Tag Archives: Fox News

Are We Really Fucked?

Posted on May 3, 2013 | Leave a comment

What you are looking is a map of America. The United States has troops in more than 150 countries around the world. An orange country is one that lets Uncle Sam crash on its couch. Light blue countries have 100 or more troops in them, dark blue have over 1,000. (Countries with fewer than 75 were omitted from the map. This is the modern way an empire controls the world, and I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that. In the past, when powerful countries needed territory, they either annexed them (like Rome), or enslaved them (like Britain). Nowadays, the US just kind of hangs out everywhere- it’s not great (see Iraq) but it’s certainly an improvement. Influence in three-fourths of the countries in the world means is that the United States is the foremost military and diplomatic power on the planet. And although this ought to be obvious, it runs contrary to everything people seem to think.

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Let’s Stop With the War on Christmas, Please

Posted on December 7, 2012 | Leave a comment

Secular-Progressives? You mean like, the Founding Fathers?

Those of you who frequent Sam West Writes This would probably guess that in person I’m a cynical, cold-hearted bastard who can only feel joy by creating a false sense of smug superiority to others through the writing of unnecessarily vitriolic essays maligning other people’s beliefs and accomplishments. And they’d be right. But despite all that, I’m a sucker for the holiday season. There are so many traditions I like- putting up a tree, giving gifts to my younger relatives, and watching b-list celebrities attempt a comeback in a Hallmark Channel Christmas abortion. However, there’s one tradition that’s been getting more and more popular lately that I just don’t understand. I’m talking, of course, about the War on Christmas. Every year it seems, there is more and more shit-flipping about the holidays and which should be celebrated in public and which shouldn’t. I thought, after record shopping turn outs and black Friday massacres, people would realize that the Christian faith is relatively safe in America and isn’t going anywhere for a long time. I thought, for one December, we could put aside the Red and Blue state Culture War bullshit and come together- or at least coexist in piece. As usual, I’ve overestimated the human race.

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Obamalunch: The Non-Existant War on Freedom That’s Not Happening in Your Kid’s Cafeteria

Posted on October 19, 2012 | Leave a comment

Can we not do this? I’m all for you, Mrs. Obama, but let’s not high five children and pretend it’s cool.

At seventeen, I’m still a child, and so most of the big political issues I’ve written about on Sam West Writes This have little to no bearing on me. The taxes I pay are as meager and inconsequential as the minimum-wage work I do, I’m not old enough to get married or smoke or drink, and I can’t vote and won’t be able to until the next go-round. I only feel the effects of basically any law or policy through secondhand exposure and opinion osmosis, and so it’s perfectly reasonable for folks to take any of my political writing with a grain of salt. Lately though, there has been some uproar about an issue affecting the nation’s public school students, which is a category I still belong to. So for those of you who think my opinions mean nothing because I have no experience with the issues, you’re absolutely right any week but this. As a high school student, I can say the following with full journalistic integrity and editorial insight: if you think that government regulation of what goes into a child’s school lunch is a genuine affront to freedom, you are a fucking retard.

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We Present Your Regularly Scheduled Dumbass Rush Limbaugh Statement of the Week

Posted on July 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

Not the kind of person I want making “the eyes” at me.

I once went on an awkward and disastrous blind date with a girl one time. It was a dinner-and-a-movie type situation, and over a blandtastic Olive Garden we fork-dropped and napkin-fumbled our way through that high school date every person has been on. We got on politics and our families, (which is always a great sign), and I said, “it’s tough living in a place like Alabama if you aren’t a total, flaming Republican.” In response, she actually said the phrase “well, I don’t really agree with Republicans on things like gay marriage, but I’m not a big fan of how Democrats only seem to be interested in taking hardworking people’s money and giving it to folks who don’t do anything.”

It’s odd to actually feel your penis retract into your body thanks to such an unbridled wave of sheer unsexitude. (The sensation may be coupled with a sitcom-like record screech for further humorous effect.) I knew at that point the relationship wouldn’t progress much further, and here’s why. I’m not the type of person who’s only attracted to carbon copies of themselves or anything. But to actually say that you hate taxation, for that to be your main problem with the Democratic Party, shows a certain amount of selfishness that I don’t like or want in a woman, or anyone. There are a lot of political issues in which I can respect both side’s opinion, and that’s not one of them. The President has taken a lot of flak this week for some comments he made about taxes and paying them and the government, and mostly, I just think, what?
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