Any douchenozzle college freshman will tell you that modern political rhetoric is hopelessly divided between two polarized views, each as angry and ignorant as the other, and that neither major ideology truly speaks for the American people. And he’s full of shit. You probably don’t hear a lot of writers arguing in favor of the partisan divide, but the two mainstream parties really do speak for most of the American people. There’s a prevalent idea spreading that those with schizophrenic and inconsistent political views are the most forward and free thinking people in the world, and that anyone with a logically consistent ideology is some sort of Party-obeying mindless zombie slouching to the beat of “the man’s” drum. But when it comes to social issues, that’s just blatantly not true. You don’t see a lot of pro-choice Republicans because both of those ideals come from two totally different worlds. Social issues are usually a split ticket, because most people operate within one of two mindsets conveyed by their response to the following statement. Respond whether you “agree” or “disagree” and you will find out what side of “The Culture War” you are on.
I really doubt this is going to foster solidarity with the kind of people who oppose gun control, Mr. President.
If you only see in black and white, you may as well be blind. When I was in the fifth grade, a kid in our school had a sore throat and his parents wouldn’t let him stay home. They were dumb enough to send him on his way with a handful of cough drops, and thanks to our elementary’s “Zero Tolerance” policy toward drugs, that half of a half of a half of a gram of menthol may as well have been a pound of uncut Colombian blow. That kid was suspended for three days for bringing “stimulants” to class, when what he had in his lunchbox was probably less mind-altering than the espresso shots in the teacher’s macchiato. (I thank God for this- he probably had enough to share with the class, and we all know Ricola is a gateway drug. If it hadn’t have been for the principal’s swift action, I might be sucking a cock for crack right now.) These stories aren’t even uncommon- you hear all the time about students getting detention for drawing a gun or bringing a butter knife to lunch because of a “Zero Tolerance” policy toward weapons, too. A policy that’s all or nothing is going to have a lot of casualties- and these casualties will be literal if that policy is a zealous pro-gun stance. The NRA and Americans in favor of the second Amendment hold way too hard a line, especially in the face of the recent Sandy Hook Tragedy. There are some arguments I respect and some I don’t, and the opinion that all Americans should have easy access to unnecessarily powerful murder weapons after twenty children were killed by them definitely fits into the latter category. There’s room for some debate on the second amendment and guns, but sorry, rights to home assault rifles aren’t on the table. Unfortunately, there are some who take a “Zero Tolerance” stance on being rational, like Ben Howe, the subject of this week’s Sam West Writes This Presents: Annotative Mockery. I will mark up Ben’s unbelievable article, “Gun Control: WWJD?” to attempt to gain insight into the mind of the uncompromising gun nut.
Secular-Progressives? You mean like, the Founding Fathers?
Those of you who frequent Sam West Writes This would probably guess that in person I’m a cynical, cold-hearted bastard who can only feel joy by creating a false sense of smug superiority to others through the writing of unnecessarily vitriolic essays maligning other people’s beliefs and accomplishments. And they’d be right. But despite all that, I’m a sucker for the holiday season. There are so many traditions I like- putting up a tree, giving gifts to my younger relatives, and watching b-list celebrities attempt a comeback in a Hallmark Channel Christmas abortion. However, there’s one tradition that’s been getting more and more popular lately that I just don’t understand. I’m talking, of course, about the War on Christmas. Every year it seems, there is more and more shit-flipping about the holidays and which should be celebrated in public and which shouldn’t. I thought, after record shopping turn outs and black Friday massacres, people would realize that the Christian faith is relatively safe in America and isn’t going anywhere for a long time. I thought, for one December, we could put aside the Red and Blue state Culture War bullshit and come together- or at least coexist in piece. As usual, I’ve overestimated the human race.
These seven states have enough signatures on their petition to warrant a response from the Obama administration.
Growing up in Alabama means dealing with the fact that your ancestors were all racists who fought a bloody war in defense of their terrible beliefs- German teenagers probably know the feeling, too. I’m not one of the history-deniers. The Confederacy was founded to keep slavery alive. Part of that had to do with “state’s rights,” sure- state’s rights to own people as property. And yes, there was a difference between the industrial and agrarian cultures of the North and South- the latter needed a lot of manpower to be effective, manpower that was best provided by workers that didn’t get paid. If you believe that the Confederate States of America was anything other than one of History’s drunken mistakes, sorry. Your predecessors, like mine, died for what they believed in, and that was a literally evil institutionalized nightmare. And whenever I feel like maybe the world is getting to be a better place- what with its gay senators and legalized marijuana- my people manage to step up to the plate to remind me we have a long way to go. A long, long goddamn way.