Tag Archives: C.R.E.A.M.

Are We Really Fucked?

Posted on May 3, 2013 | Leave a comment

What you are looking is a map of America. The United States has troops in more than 150 countries around the world. An orange country is one that lets Uncle Sam crash on its couch. Light blue countries have 100 or more troops in them, dark blue have over 1,000. (Countries with fewer than 75 were omitted from the map. This is the modern way an empire controls the world, and I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that. In the past, when powerful countries needed territory, they either annexed them (like Rome), or enslaved them (like Britain). Nowadays, the US just kind of hangs out everywhere- it’s not great (see Iraq) but it’s certainly an improvement. Influence in three-fourths of the countries in the world means is that the United States is the foremost military and diplomatic power on the planet. And although this ought to be obvious, it runs contrary to everything people seem to think.

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Taking Candy From Babies

Posted on February 22, 2013 | Leave a comment

When I was six years old, about thirty-three percent of the joy in my life was caused by or related to Pokémon. The show was not great, but I was six, and six year olds are all very stupid. This was, of course, the first series that many people considered to be an exploitative way to extract money from children’s parents. There was a whole episode of South Park about it, which, as well all know, is the point when you know something is culturally important. And those critics were all right- that shit was downright exploitative. I have two shoeboxes full of Pokémon Cards that my parents probably paid several hundred dollars for. When you add in all the games and merchandise and other shit they also bought for me, it’s a small fortune of stuff that my childish brain was convinced I needed. Obviously, everyone grows out of being susceptible to that kind of advertising. But this trend is not letting up- if anything, it’s getting worse. To a new generation of children, the line between entertainment and commerce is pretty damn blurry.

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There is No Such Thing as A Gaffe; or, Mitt Romney is the 53%

Posted on September 21, 2012 | Leave a comment

Oh, and he also said his campaign for President would be easier if he was Latino. We get it- minorities sometimes get benefits from the government because of, you know, everything that happened until about 1980. But fuck you. Complaints about your life being hard stop mattering the second your dinner costs more than a car.

In July, when Barack Obama was sound bitten by Fox News and other conservative outlets because of his (apparently) unprecedented belief in the basic social contract between government and people, many somehow thought his now-famous “you didn’t build that” speech was a mistake. The President had begun easing off his use of Teleprompters, so maybe it was a goof that he said people should pay fair amount of taxes based on the money they make. Of course, it wasn’t, because it seriously almost never is. When people are caught saying things “off-the-cuff,” “out of context” or “inelegantly,” they haven’t suddenly contracted Tourette’s. Like drunks, politicians breaking from prepared remarks don’t change; they just become what they really are deep inside. And Barack Obama, deep inside, believes that people who benefit from the American capitalist system owe it some tax dollars in return. So, this week, when a video of Mitt Romney saying that forty-seven percent of Americans are bums was released, people thought it was a mistake. It is not a gaffe and should not be labeled as such, and at least Romney has admitted that- he genuinely believes that forty-seven per cent of Americans are completely “dependent on government” and cannot “take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”

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We Present Your Regularly Scheduled Dumbass Rush Limbaugh Statement of the Week

Posted on July 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

Not the kind of person I want making “the eyes” at me.

I once went on an awkward and disastrous blind date with a girl one time. It was a dinner-and-a-movie type situation, and over a blandtastic Olive Garden we fork-dropped and napkin-fumbled our way through that high school date every person has been on. We got on politics and our families, (which is always a great sign), and I said, “it’s tough living in a place like Alabama if you aren’t a total, flaming Republican.” In response, she actually said the phrase “well, I don’t really agree with Republicans on things like gay marriage, but I’m not a big fan of how Democrats only seem to be interested in taking hardworking people’s money and giving it to folks who don’t do anything.”

It’s odd to actually feel your penis retract into your body thanks to such an unbridled wave of sheer unsexitude. (The sensation may be coupled with a sitcom-like record screech for further humorous effect.) I knew at that point the relationship wouldn’t progress much further, and here’s why. I’m not the type of person who’s only attracted to carbon copies of themselves or anything. But to actually say that you hate taxation, for that to be your main problem with the Democratic Party, shows a certain amount of selfishness that I don’t like or want in a woman, or anyone. There are a lot of political issues in which I can respect both side’s opinion, and that’s not one of them. The President has taken a lot of flak this week for some comments he made about taxes and paying them and the government, and mostly, I just think, what?
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