History tends to boil down to the greatest hits. Everyone remembers all the best things about the past, because the past is ashamed of all the crap that happened back then. If you were going to put things in a time capsule, it’d be the one percent of quality stuff that happens and not the overwhelming, grinding majority of selfish egotism, direct-to-DVD movies, and genre-straddling middlebrow schlock. In 50 years, there will still be idiots talking about “the good old days” because their nostalgic feelings are backed up by the selective pruning of every stupid, annoying thing that happened today. And that’s the purpose of this weeks’ post- to look back at two of the stupid events that happened this week, so that in 50 years, when the Hover Lords unseal the metal tomb my blog has been ensconced in, they can ugh as hard as we are now and tell any idiot arguing we should return to the Way We Were to shut the fuck up and go back to playing Angry Birds at the Hall of Obsolescence.
This week, sodas over sixteen ounces were banned in the municipal area of New York City, which sparked a lot of controversy and outrage, because, you know, THESE COLORS DON’T RUN. One radio guy said an American should be able to drink nine Mountain Dews a day if he wants to. And you know what, I hate to agree with anyone conservative enough to have a radio show, but he’s fuckin’ A right. Down in the South, particularly, we tend to have this idea that government regulation of how people should eat is the absolute last straw before we’re divided into Districts and forced to send children to kill each other on the President’s front lawn. That’s idiotic, but the fact is that if you’re over eighteen or sixteen or whatever the age is in your state, there’s a certain amount of personal responsibility you’ve picked up by managing to not kill yourself for the time you’ve been alive. When you’re a kid, yeah, the government can regulate what you eat. Michelle Obama’s been taking this kind of initiative, and I say good for her. After all, that’s the job of the first lady as dictated by the Constitution, along with appearing in Disney commercials and getting slimed at the Kid’s Choice Awards. If you’re a child, you shouldn’t be able to get soda or Doritos Locos Tacos at school, that’s idiotic. Once you’re of age though, you’ve managed not to die long enough to be able to drink or eat whatever the hell you want. The last health issue Bloomberg took a stand against was smoking, but it’s not like you can get second hand diabetes from a Big Gulp. Just ask Paula Deen. Face!
But, and I have to clarify, this so does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Who really needs sixteen ounces of any foreign fluid inside them? No one. Bloomberg’s stupid ban is not going to turn the Tide of Insulin against the Obesity Epidemic. It’s just not. At the same time, it’s not an example of Super Nanny-State In Soviet Russia Sixteen-Ounces Drink You Government Totalitarianism. Refills are free. It’s not the end of the world. People don’t like being told what to do, and in this case, they shouldn’t. Telling a grown man or woman how much they can drink just goes against basic nature. Go to hell, Bloomberg.
And, on an unrelated note, there is going to be a Tonka Trucks movie. Let that be a sobering reminder that God is dead and we are alone, floating through an unforgiving universe like an abandoned gummy bear in a disgusting Golden Corral Fondue Fountain that is riddled with the mouth germs of one thousand white trash children. The idea of Tonka Trucks: The Movie probably sounds like what you would call out if you had to get someone to say “Stupid Shit” in Taboo, and you were completely out of better ideas. Tonka Trucks was the last thing you had in your quiver, the person didn’t even get it, you went back to drinking your Seven Up and Sorbet punch, and your dumb fucking cousin Kyle and his stupid bitch of a wife went on to win the game. But, no. This is a real thing happening in the world you live in. Tomorrow, you will wake up and eat cereal and you’ll be a member of the society that came up with the Tonka Trucks movie. If our future alien overlords are somehow reading this, I don’t know what to say. What’s next. Monopoly is a gritty drama about the 2008 financial crisis? A dark re-imagining of Candyland directed by Tim Burton? I thought this was all just a shitty joke when Battleship came out. I thought enough people would laugh and point and not go see that shit and say, “Hah! Rihanna’s not an actress and that movie is named after a board game!” and then it would just go away forever. I was wrong. This is now a trend in the film industry. I wonder what the pitch for that shit was? “Yes, guy who probably wanted to grow up and do great things and make movies people actually wanted to see? Your pitch was: “Tonka Trucks?” God damn it. How did it do with test audiences? Are you fucking kidding me? What are we going to do for shitty movie ideas after this? Household items? What? Your next pitch is “Shoe?” “Shoe: The Movie?” On second thought, that’s not too bad. I’d go see Shoe. It better be a fun-filled romp for the whole family though. I want heartwarming! If my heart isn’t warmed to a crispy golden brown with a gooey center, it’s your ass!”