We’ve looked at a lot great failures in television over the course of the website’s history. Most of them were chosen through careful consideration, after selecting twelve of the worst cable and network channels and making each of them send tribute shows to fight to the death, allowing only one to remain. However, I’m not going to lie to you- when I decided to review Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing, it was based on no careful thought processes or prudent decisions, intentionally, because, let’s face it, nothing with Tim Allen in it ever is. This is a man who elected to be a talking Santa Claus, a plastic Santa Claus, and an embittered Tim Allen at a Santa Claus-Themed Disney World, all in chronological order. A lot of celebrities like to be in kids movies so their children have something with them in it to watch. Chris Rock can’t exactly come home from a long day at work and show his kids his latest HBO special, which was why he was in all those shitty Madagascar movies. But three Santa Clauses- that’s just setting your standards too low. The only good thing he was ever in was Toy Story, and since then, it’s all been downhill, thanks to another unfeeling process in Hollywood- Eddie Murphying. You take a comedian with a lot of talent who decides to be in a movie for his kids, then maybe another movie for kids, and then it’s a slippery slope to Meet Dave. The same thing happened with Adam Sandler. Sorry, but people in drag isn’t funny- even when Monty Python did it.
In preparation for the Point/Counterpoint section of this article, I donned a tie and nice shirt. What you can see is it's immediate effect on my cognitive skills- what you can't see is that I'm not wearing any pants.
The feminism unit in history class is usually just about the easiest thing for a coach to teach the entire year. There are no complex geopolitical realities behind it, no battle dates to memorize, and there’s no worries of getting bogged down in any political debate- no one except Ann Coulter is possibly going to say that women shouldn’t have the right to vote. But something happened to me during a lecture just a few weeks ago that made me realize just how split people are on the idea of women’s place in the world.
Putting a satanic demon-babe covered in tattoos in a skimpy black outfit and fishnets on the cover of a metal album is like putting a blonde white chick with big naturals in tight denim jeans sitting in the back of a pickup truck with a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and an American flag in the other on the cover of a country album. It's a fucking generic cop-out that appeals to all the stupid cliche sensibilities of your fan base. Goddamn, Theory of a Deadman, you can't even find original ways to suck.
It doesn’t take a guy who minored in Women’s Studies to get with chicks to tell you that there’s still sexism in America. Women earn only seventy-six cents for every dollar a man makes, manage only 15 of the Fortune 500 companies, and any given sitcom’s female characters all fall into the same four archetypes: bitchy whore, ditzy girly girl, insecure victim who plays aloof to avoid getting hurt, and frigid but successful businesswoman. There’s been progress sure, but when my high-school Biology teacher tells the class not to use the word “fetus” because it encourages abortion, it gives everyone a crystal-clear picture of how unequal things really still are. But if you’re still skeptical, Theory of a Deadman’s song “Bitch Came Back” off of their 2011 album The Truth Is… may just be about the biggest insult to feminism since the invention of the burka.