You’re probably wondering what each color meant, and honestly, I don’t remember- it varied depending on who you asked. But I do recall that you always talked about the bracelets in hushed whispers and described the acts using ninth-grade words like “BJ” and “doing it.”
The Suburban Mom Freakout is an interesting sociological trend I’ve discovered that’s becoming more and more prevalent with each passing day. I’ll give you an example of one: when I was a Freshman in high school, there was a SMF about “sex bracelets,” which were colored jelly wristbands. They were banned from my high school, because supposedly each shade of these accessories represented a different salacious behavior. Teenagers would wear these to “sex bracelet parties,” where a group of friends would get together and perform indecent acts on each other based on the preferences indicated by their choice in armband. Of course, that was all completely imaginary. Yes, fourteen-year-olds wore the bracelets, and some of us giggled about their supposed intent. But has any fourteen-year-old in the history of the world ever had an eight person orgy in their parent’s basement because of a cheap plastic accessory they got from Claire’s? Of course not. In other words, these Suburban Mom Freakouts are temporary panics among white people’s mothers caused by their fears about their child’s adolescence and exaggerated by media coverage. Oprah made a lot of her money off of this, and so has the Lifetime Network, which, recently has been both profiting off of and fueling Suburban Mom Freakouts.
