You’re probably wondering what each color meant, and honestly, I don’t remember- it varied depending on who you asked. But I do recall that you always talked about the bracelets in hushed whispers and described the acts using ninth-grade words like “BJ” and “doing it.”
The Suburban Mom Freakout is an interesting sociological trend I’ve discovered that’s becoming more and more prevalent with each passing day. I’ll give you an example of one: when I was a Freshman in high school, there was a SMF about “sex bracelets,” which were colored jelly wristbands. They were banned from my high school, because supposedly each shade of these accessories represented a different salacious behavior. Teenagers would wear these to “sex bracelet parties,” where a group of friends would get together and perform indecent acts on each other based on the preferences indicated by their choice in armband. Of course, that was all completely imaginary. Yes, fourteen-year-olds wore the bracelets, and some of us giggled about their supposed intent. But has any fourteen-year-old in the history of the world ever had an eight person orgy in their parent’s basement because of a cheap plastic accessory they got from Claire’s? Of course not. In other words, these Suburban Mom Freakouts are temporary panics among white people’s mothers caused by their fears about their child’s adolescence and exaggerated by media coverage. Oprah made a lot of her money off of this, and so has the Lifetime Network, which, recently has been both profiting off of and fueling Suburban Mom Freakouts.
Any douchenozzle college freshman will tell you that modern political rhetoric is hopelessly divided between two polarized views, each as angry and ignorant as the other, and that neither major ideology truly speaks for the American people. And he’s full of shit. You probably don’t hear a lot of writers arguing in favor of the partisan divide, but the two mainstream parties really do speak for most of the American people. There’s a prevalent idea spreading that those with schizophrenic and inconsistent political views are the most forward and free thinking people in the world, and that anyone with a logically consistent ideology is some sort of Party-obeying mindless zombie slouching to the beat of “the man’s” drum. But when it comes to social issues, that’s just blatantly not true. You don’t see a lot of pro-choice Republicans because both of those ideals come from two totally different worlds. Social issues are usually a split ticket, because most people operate within one of two mindsets conveyed by their response to the following statement. Respond whether you “agree” or “disagree” and you will find out what side of “The Culture War” you are on.
Hello Everybody! Chances are it’s now January when you are reading this, because December is statistically the slowest month for bloggers, as people rarely have time to peruse the sarcastic ramblings of a narcissistic child while they’re off having fun with their friends and family. When you do see this though, I want to say, thanks. Everyone whose ever commented or read or liked or reblogged anything I’ve written, you’re just the best. Blogs resume Friday, January 5th, 2013, what follows is a post about the worst things of 2012. Have a good time with your holiday celebrations. This website wouldn’t be here without you. <3
Of the five profiles of politicians I wrote this year, only one was able to reach the Golden Nightmare Ratio of Political Success and Batshit Lunacy (see below) that makes someone the scariest politician out of a whole election- that’s right, Rick Santorum. Let’s just hand him the award and be glad we as a society all dodged the speeding bullet that was his Presidential campaign.
Secular-Progressives? You mean like, the Founding Fathers?
Those of you who frequent Sam West Writes This would probably guess that in person I’m a cynical, cold-hearted bastard who can only feel joy by creating a false sense of smug superiority to others through the writing of unnecessarily vitriolic essays maligning other people’s beliefs and accomplishments. And they’d be right. But despite all that, I’m a sucker for the holiday season. There are so many traditions I like- putting up a tree, giving gifts to my younger relatives, and watching b-list celebrities attempt a comeback in a Hallmark Channel Christmas abortion. However, there’s one tradition that’s been getting more and more popular lately that I just don’t understand. I’m talking, of course, about the War on Christmas. Every year it seems, there is more and more shit-flipping about the holidays and which should be celebrated in public and which shouldn’t. I thought, after record shopping turn outs and black Friday massacres, people would realize that the Christian faith is relatively safe in America and isn’t going anywhere for a long time. I thought, for one December, we could put aside the Red and Blue state Culture War bullshit and come together- or at least coexist in piece. As usual, I’ve overestimated the human race.