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Breitbart on Music: The Number One Worst Top Ten List Ever

Posted on May 18, 2012 | Leave a comment

About once a week, I receive a comment on any given of my musical articles calling me a heartless bastard incapable of enjoying any art whatsoever. And they’re right- I have no ability to feel anything other than rage/hatred or smug superiority. But compared to what you’re about to read, I’m a sunshine wallflower drunk on the sensory ale that is life. What follows is an inside look at an actual, real article by Ben Shapiro, writer for Breitbart dot com. This man considers Nirvana, John Lennon, the Who, and Bob Dylan to all be overrated and horrible, and by the end of it, you are going to wonder what kind of music he possibly likes at all. So, a warning to those with weak constitutions or fans of any music released in the past 75 years- you’re going to get pissed off at what this guy has to say.

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Posted in Music

Tagged Annotative Mockery

Zopp Zopp.com’s Human Being of the Week: Fully Gay Edition

Posted on May 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

The world is a scary place. A lot of us are born into bad situations and our basic needs aren’t even met. If they are, we’re lucky enough to run around for about three years before we can remember anything, (like how you never remember the beginning of a dream! INCEPTION.) then we go to school, question our parents, fall in love, drop shorties, grow old, and die. But beyond that, the only shared human experience is that most of the time we don’t know what to do! We really only get a vague outline, and even that only works for some people. So when folks are trying to figure out what they’re life is going to be, you should leave them alone! That’s a romantic idea, but it’s right. Finding someone to spend your life with- marriage- is something that’s basic toward human happiness. Just ask Erik Erickson! And laws shouldn’t be made that keep people from doing that, especially when what they are doing has never hurt anyone ever. And if you don’t see where I’m going with this, we’re looking at you, North Carolina.
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Posted in Politics

Tagged Christians, Hot Gay Passion, Republicans

My Journey into the Mockbuster

Posted on May 4, 2012 | Leave a comment

Everyone has a personal opinion on what they think the worst movie ever made is, but those people have never seen a mockbuster. Yes, Twilight is bad, but that has actors who remember their lines, a cohesive plot, a consistent setting, and isn’t filmed in the pitch fucking dark. For those of you who don’t know, the mockbuster is the modern B-movie. It used to be that bad movies came on before a good film in the theater, but that was before cable and home video, and now the SyFy channel and Netflix will play just about anything as filler. To help boost sales or ratings, companies that make mockbusters, like The Asylum Productions, give them names that are slightly different than a successful movie- that’s how we wind up with films like Snakes on a Train or Allan Quartermain and the Temple of Skulls. Making cheap, shitty movies is great for a company, because it’s hard not to make a return on something that only took three dollars to shoot in the first place. And to make sure that return is cashed in, bad movies have to appeal to the base sensibilities of idiots like me, which makes not just for crap, but entertaining crap. Let’s look at some.

Yes, this movie blew. But after the jump, it's going to look like Citizen Kane.

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Posted in Movies

Tagged Bad Movies, Christians

Bad TV- Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing

Posted on April 13, 2012 | Leave a comment

We’ve looked at a lot great failures in television over the course of the website’s history. Most of them were chosen through careful consideration, after selecting twelve of the worst cable and network channels and making each of them send tribute shows to fight to the death, allowing only one to remain. However, I’m not going to lie to you- when I decided to review Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing, it was based on no careful thought processes or prudent decisions, intentionally, because, let’s face it, nothing with Tim Allen in it ever is. This is a man who elected to be a talking Santa Claus, a plastic Santa Claus, and an embittered Tim Allen at a Santa Claus-Themed Disney World, all in chronological order. A lot of celebrities like to be in kids movies so their children have something with them in it to watch. Chris Rock can’t exactly come home from a long day at work and show his kids his latest HBO special, which was why he was in all those shitty Madagascar movies. But three Santa Clauses- that’s just setting your standards too low. The only good thing he was ever in was Toy Story, and since then, it’s all been downhill, thanks to another unfeeling process in Hollywood- Eddie Murphying. You take a comedian with a lot of talent who decides to be in a movie for his kids, then maybe another movie for kids, and then it’s a slippery slope to Meet Dave. The same thing happened with Adam Sandler. Sorry, but people in drag isn’t funny- even when Monty Python did it.